And it continues

I can already tell that I'm going to have problems writing a post on here every day but I'll sure as hell try. The past few days have been a living hell of emotions, fights, fears, doubts, and the like. I still haven't been to the OBGYN yet, but according to my calculations I would be around 6 weeks pregnant today. Which is not very pregnant at all...though it is.

I don't know how I'm going to do this. I am literally freaking out while trying to remain as calm as possible because I know how stress can affect early pregnancy. So my brain is going all over the place but I'm trying to keep my heart rate down. It's basically impossible, but I'm trying. Honestly, this all seems quite impossible to me right now. I feel stupid and immature and just plain dumb. I really am doubting my ability to not only have this baby but actually be a decent mother to it.

I've cried. A lot. I always thought I'd feel differently when I got pregnant, but I also assumed I would be in a much better place in life when I started this adventure. Instead of being in a good place in life I can't drive, I rent a room in my dad's basement (helllllooo loser!), I have a shitty ass fast food job (shift manager my ass, its all shitty), and I've only been with the father of the baby "officially" since October. I really am a mess of a person right now and I'm about to bring another person into this? Is that selfish of me? Probably. Why am I telling you all this? Mainly because I don't care anymore, but also because I doubt anyone will ever read this.

Life has kicked my ass this week. I'm exhausted constantly, and though I've gone shopping so I will always have healthy foods to eat, I have been eating crap the past day and a half. I blame the tears. When I'm sad I want sugar and dammit I have been consistently sad. My bf and I have been having a rough patch right now. Not terribly but enough to affect us both, but I mean...who wouldn't be?! This is definitely a test of our relationship right here. I'm hoping it works out because I really do love him, I just don't know how the stress is going to affect our dynamic. In stressful/difficult times I'm usually a runner (not like physically running...I hate exercise) but I don't know if I'd ever be able to do any of this on my own.

I'm feeling ok though. I'm peeing a little more and I went through a week where I wanted to eat everything in the house. I haven't had morning sickness yet (knock on wood) and the cramps have finally started to subside. They were terrible for awhile. Right now I just feel normal, except for the emotions but honestly I have bipolar disorder so that's kind of normal too. Having no physical symptoms is just as stressful to me as having them (thank you again crippling anxiety). It makes me think something is wrong, even if nothing feels wrong. Ugh, that sounds so stupid but my brain thinks what my brain wants to think.

I'm going to sign off of here because I have a crap ton to do today before work- laundry, cleaning up the kitchen, shower, e-mailing a potential landlord about an apartment, finding the energy to actually walk to work...you know the usual. Have a great day everyone, and thanks for reading. If you did indeed read any of this.

What the F@!#

Hi there readers, welcome to my blog. If you've found this, then I hope to sweet baby jesus that my constant anxiety can offer some sort of entertainment to you. If you are related to me, then I hope you are reading this months after it's initial post date because I am in no mood to let you in on this little secret of mine...that I am openly discussing on the internet. I'll get there someday, but right now I'll just tell the world instead.

You see, 4 days ago (the day after Thanksgiving to be precise) I had an inkling that something funky was happening all up in my uterus and I decided to take a pregnancy test. Since I'm some sort of pregnant psychic it of course came back positive, and now I'm a constant emotional argument with myself. It goes something like this:

"What the hell did you do?! You KNOW how babies are made! OMG girl I can't even."
"Hey you shut your little mouth. This will be ok. We're going to have a beautiful son or daughter and it will all work out well."
"You can't raise a baby right now! Your life is in shambles."
::intense crying:: 

Mind you, I'm an almost-thirty-year old woman who is in a loving (albeit very new) relationship with the father of this little tadpole looking thing growing inside of me. We had already been discussing moving in together, getting married, and starting a family. What we didn't discuss was how quickly some of these things might be happening. I've never been one to rush into anything. My laziness and crippling anxiety tend to get in the way, but this is a little different.

And I am a complete mess. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm growing in OBGYN phone numbers who won't accept me as a new patient because I don't happen to have one already. My boyfriend and I are now apartment searching in a hurry because I currently rent a room out of my dad's basement. I don't know what foods I should stay away from because the internet is telling me all foods are basically poisonous and I still have yet to get a Dr. Appointment set up to get everything checked and to ask my million and one questions I already have. Plus, I've had a miscarriage in the past (and with some pretty shitty back story) and I'm scared it will happen with this one.

Here's where you come in lovely readers! I need to let all these emotions, worries, anecdotes, etc. out somewhere. Unfortunately my grandmothers and my mother have all passed away and I am the oldest sibling in my family, so none of my sisters have gone through this yet. I need a place to let it all out when I'm crying or a place to post happy moments along this seemingly stressful journey that I've embarked upon. I don't know what is in store but I hope you'll stick around and see me through it. I can't guarantee much, but maybe we can share some of our favorite vomit stories.

Thanks for reading this far. There will be more don't you worry about that! Keep checking back and have a great day everyone!